You know you are a teacher if...

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.


  1. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life so much simpler.
  2. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
  3. You believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.
  4. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high bood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.
  5. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
  6. You encourage your spouse by telling them they are a "good helper".
  7. You know one hundred good reasons for being late.
  8. You refer to adults as "boys and girls".
  9. You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.
  10. You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs to the child out of line.
  11. You get a secret thrill out of laminating something.
  12. You walk into a store and hear the words "It's Ms/Mr. _________" and know you have been spotted.
  13. You have 25 people that accidentally call you Mom/Dad at one time or another.
  14. You can eat a multi-course meal in under twenty-five minutes.
  15. You've trained yourself to go to the bathroom at two distinct times of the day: lunch and prep period.
  16. You start saving other people's trash, because most likely, you can use that toilet paper tube or plastic butter tub for something in the classroom.
  17. You believe the teachers' lounge should be equipped with a margarita machine.
  18. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 7 to 3 and have summers off."
  19. You believe chocolate is a food group.
  20. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
  21. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
  22. You feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior when you are out in public.
  23. You believe in aerial spraying of Ritalin.
  24. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
  25. You spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.
  26. You can't pass the school supply aisle without getting at least five items!
  27. You ask your friends if the left hand turn he just made was a "good choice or a bad choice."
  28. You find true beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened pencils.
  29. You are secretly addicted to hand sanitizer.
  30. You understand instantaneously why a child behaves a certain way after meeting his or her parents.